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I Like It Best When The Rain Falls [entries|friends|calendar]

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Awkward Epiphanies. [29 Nov 2008|10:45pm]
I still love you.... But why. This question incessantly nagging me to points of frustration confusion, denial. Time and time again I go back this question and have war between my heart and my head. I can admit to myself that it will never be better. You can never be what I want, never get out of you what i need but no one is to blame for this. No amount of time could remedy this. I would never presume to change you, attempt to mold you, or anyone. Its not right and I don't hold myself or anyone in high enough regards to pretend that such presumption is acceptable.

Little do I find we really have in common. I no longer make you laugh. We no longer share conversations which have the beautiful capacity to evolve from one subject to another on adventures of the mind heart soul and  most gracious whim. I don't not find your company a pleasure on all occasions but instead a burden in most. This pairing of ours no longer adds to my life nor does it bring out the best in me. Not the worst by any means but not the best. In fact, I do not find that anything is brought out in me by any means but instead lost, buried, and smothered. I feel intense guilt when I so much as think of my own needs. But no more. As much as it makes my insides squirm, I am finding that I must face this new found reality.

We do not want the same things. You aspire to mediocrity, and I have aspirations. I want more out of my life than to reach a standard and be complacent. I want to aspire and achieve, exceed expectations and continually grow in all senses of the word until the day I die. I don't want to look back with regrets and I don't think that you see life that way. You see it as making the bare minimum requirements. And I cannot in good conscience pull along my path nor can I let you drag me down yours. 

For now I shall lay in bed and not sleep and I hope to return to this in the morning.

(share your thoughts)

Lie Lie Lie [23 Apr 2008|09:14am]
[ mood | crushed ]

Im offended because you went to her first. You think I wont understand? I wont have a sympathetic ear? How many times have I spilled my heart out to you, knowing that you will think it absurd? I am your best friend? I suppose youve lid to me about that too, I can clearly see where I fall on the ladder and there she is staring down at me from this pedestal youve put her on.

Im hurt because you lied.  Not for the first time I suspect. You were the one person I could count on to tell me the truth, whether I like it or not, no matter what the consequence. That brutal take it or leave it honesty was such an admirable and integral quality. Now whats left? Not trust, I can tell you that right now.

Whats less is the fact that you share 'I love you' with another woman. That is inconsequential. You lied. I outright asked you and you point blank lied to me. I can say this, boundaries are a fragile thing, if there are any at all with certain people. It would seem to me that the two of you either dont have a clearly definable boundary, or you do have one and is has been encroaching way to far past my comfort zone.

The only thing I can think left to do is to take my space from you while you explore whatever it is with this 'best friend' of yours. Clearly whatever it is, it was worth deceiving me about and breaking the trust that comes so hard to me.

As hard as it is for me to take my distance from you, it really cant be any other way. I cant trust you anymore. This has happened to me to many times before to just brush off and think nothing of. What is the point if we cant trust each other? Is trust not the basis for friendship, let alone a relationship? Now that there is none of that here, we really dont have a leg to be left standing on.

I trusted you and I feel like I have been slapped in the face, left in the cold, stabbed in my heart... whatever. Im just disappointed and hurt. I really thought that you were... honest. trustworthy.

(share your thoughts)

the ex factor [05 Jan 2008|12:30am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

I cant get seem to get her out of my head... mostly because Im so worried that she is still in yours, and for all of my fears, I am still without reason or evidence.

pity. and to think that I was thought to be mentally stable.

and i still hate your dog.

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